Saturday, January 18, 2014

I still mourn

There are really good days

Easy we-got-this days

Time has healed quite a few fears for the kids

They don't cry when I leave them or ask me if I'm coming home

They feel secure and hopeful for our little family

Last week Charlie told her little K friends at her table that she's looking for a dad and wondered if they knew anybody. She wasn't expressing sadness-actually hope. It's not wrong for her to hope that, (as she says,) someday she will have a dad to dance with and have tea parties with. Sean would want that for her!

They don't worry when I am sick and have to go to the doctor

They don't ask when I'm going to die

We are worlds ahead of where we used to be

Worlds above the pit of darkness and hopelessness

But I still mourn.

I mourn when I hear that Charlie tells her friends that while she's "looking," (I can't begin to imagine what this means in her little mind,) for a dad she has to tell her little friends that her daddy isn't alive anymore. I mourn that she has to hear their responses to that.

I mourn when I hear Ty say he doesn't have someone like him living in our house "with all the crazy girls"

I mourn when I hear Joy ask Charlie in their room, (when they don't know I'm listening to their HILARIOUS recap of the day,) "Charlie what did daddy like to do? I don't remember."

I mourn when I imagine them getting ready for a dance or (God help us all) a date and it being big bad ME they look to for guidance.

I always imagined my girls having a loving, strong daddy to go on little "dates" with, who could teach them how to date. A man who could treat them in such a way that they never doubted that he loved them wholly and completely. I know the value of a dad in a girl's life. I mourn the loss of that for them even though they will never know any different.

An old friend told me yesterday that God trains really strong women to be single moms, even when they don't feel strong. (Hand raised) He never wants us to feel alone in parenting-but to trust Him more because the thought is just so overwhelming. I hope I can do this job well, I do. It's enormous. All-encompassing. Huge. Valuable. Irreplaceable.

I mourn having a partner to look to

I mourn having a pinch-hitter when I'm sick or tired

I mourn having arms to fall into after a hard day

I still mourn what he's missing, what he lost and what he never saw

I mourn the loss of my happy cookie cutter life

And I mourn my old life...that it was never perfect at all but I was so wrapped up in my little bubble that even I started to believe it was

I mourn the people I didn't try to help through their grief because I "couldn't relate"

I still mourn

I still have hard days, days when i cry in front of the kids because I can't hold it together until bedtime. But I have good days, really good days, even great easy we-got-this days. Somewhere between the two we are making a life. Lots of memories and lots of fun, and a million little jokes that only make sense to us-the four of us.

Our family.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Trip pictures

First, the trip down south to see my brother and his family. On the way there I started coughing. The next morning I felt so bad I went to the hospital where I was promptly diagnosed with the flu.


But we still had a great time complete with a Santa visit, (which really rocked the kids' world since he knew we weren't at our house!)

The day we drive home from their house was the same day I packed my bags to go to South Carolina to visit Maggie, my oldest/lifelong literally from the womb friend. To say I was exhausted is an understatement. I had taken meds for the flu for four days by then but I still felt sluggish. All I wanted to do on the trip to SC was sleep.

Y'all won't believe this...

I slept on the plane.

Moment of silence.

I've never slept on a plane before. Like ever. Sleeping required relaxation on some big levels and we all know I don't do that. Except apparently when I have the flu and I've driven a thousand miles all within a four day span.


Ashley, my other lifelong friend that travelled with me couldn't believe it either. She'd prepared herself to hand my my brown bag to breathe into. Bless her.

So to the SC recap. First, time to fix breakfast for the hoodlums. I'll be back later y'all.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 in one word?

How about "Joyful"

Yeah that describes 2013.

Sadness, loss, loneliness, grief, they were all there. It isn't the absence of those things that determines joy though. It's the realization that on a hard day there is something to hope for and a reason for it all. Don't ask me what the reason is, I'm not there yet. I may or may not have felt raw anger--a maddening level of it--this year too. Yikes. He still loves me and lets me be their momma. He still gives me what I need every day...

Just enough to be joyful.

Lord, this year show me how to yield to You without putting up so much of a fight. This year, show me how to live by faith that YOU'VE GOT THIS in the palm of Your hand. I can just relax and listen. And try to be joyful.

Here there everywhere

I like to escape.

I hate feeling trapped. Planes, tunnels, small spaces I hate. Confined to a certain plan, a certain schedule. Ugh.

I'm a grown up though. I'm getting there. This is not new information for you.

Once school ended for the year we packed the car and drove down to my brother's house for the break. It was partly to distract us from potential sadness and partly to just satisfy my desire to disconnect from the stress I've been under. Big decisions aren't my best time to shine historically. Ahem.

Santa knew where we'd spend Christmas so the kids were on board to leave home for as long as I was. God love 'em I have one always ready to pack a bag and go with me and then I have two homebodies. Can y'all guess who is who?

I have time you can think about it. I'm actually in the air flying home from the trip I left for the day after we got back from the Christmas trip. High five for me getting away from reality! I will tell y'all more about this trip soon complete with pictures...they're all trapped on my phone. I'm pretty fancy as you know. I have Sean's fancy camera sitting at home and I even (kinda) know how to use it, but I don't. That thing is heavy and it usually draws some attention when I pull it out. Then people assume it's mine and that I know anything about it which I don't. They ask why I'm not familiar with it and I start to tell them and then things get awkward. See, I can't just say, "It was my husband's and now it's mine." Oh no, not me. Y'all know better than that. I launch into one of many life stories and before I know it I've given them much (MUCH) more info than they asked for.


So anyway back to what I was talking about. Anybody know what that was?

Time. Do you know who likes to go anywhere at a moments notice? Which kid is just Iike me?

This kid...

The other two? Home bodies. Twenty minutes into an outing I hear, "When can we go home?" Every time. Well except if we are at a water park. Or build a bear.


We drove down to Graham and Ana's in one day and it's a long drive. A. Long. Drive.

We made it and had a glorious time playing in the sun and doing things we haven't done in months at home because of the cold weather. Parks, playgrounds, and more parks. Cousin time rocks. So does time with siblings.

We ate lots of candy too. Can't leave that out. Oh and Lord knows we found a bowling alley. The new obsession of Ty's actually suits all four of us. Who'd have thought? I do wish bowling alleys wouldn't all play music so loud you can't hear anything else though. Do people bowl a better game, (Is that proper bowling lingo?) when loud rock music is blaring? Is there scientific proof of this?

I gotta get out more.

You were thinking it too.

Bye y'all. We're landing. My palms are sweating. Thank goodness for Xanax or I'd be in a heap of am anxiety attack after this flight. It was one of those where people probably had their hands up like it was a roller coaster.

Not my favorite kind of flight.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

You are…aren't You?

You are good when there's nothing good in me You are Love on display for all to see You are Light when the darkness closes in You are Hope You have covered all my sin You are Peace when my fear is crippling You are True even in my wandering You are Joy You're the reason that I sing You are Life In You death has lost its sting I'm running to Your arms I'm running to Your arms The riches of Your love will always be enough Nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world Forever Reign --from"Forever Reign" I may have jumbled the words and I may have gotten them all wrong but tonight, I figure it doesn't matter. I'm all out of reasons to worry what y'all think of me! I wanted someone else to fill the gaping hole in my heart. I wanted God to fill it but didn't see how protective I was of it. I hoped He'd break through what I put before Him, but He can't do what I'm preventing. Actually He can but He won't is more like it. I wanted someone I could see and touch to restore my faith and hope. I wanted something permanent and predictable. I felt like I needed proof. And I felt like it didn't show up. I almost lost hope that it ever would. I felt hopeless and tired and forgotten, even by people who had good intentions to help. I felt betrayed and blamed for what happened, by people who matter to me. I felt frazzled and weak. I begged Him every night to come back before morning. I couldn't face more of the wandering, searching for the solution. I was worn smooth out. I used up all of my reasoning and all of my logical self, (which, let's be honest, isn't a whole lot of me.) I buried my head and sobbed. Night after night begging Him to release me from the burden of what I was facing. The undeniable calling on my life to use this for His glory instead of a self-pity party of great proportions. I finally looked up and said, "Enough." This got me to where I am today. Still a mess. Still in need of restoration and renewal. Still in need of Him. I've said it a million times before here--and in my daily life--He came to save the world. We celebrate Jesus and happily welcome Him during this season, even people who otherwise think they don't need His help. Uh, maybe that's me lately? Could it be? I'll admit it, yeah that's me. I can forgive a million betrayals with Him at my side. Trusting Him to catch me, to bind up my wounds, gives me the chance to let other people in. It's hard. It's painful and scary and uncertain. It's also exhilarating and exciting and well, LIVING. No guarantees except that He's gonna be standing with me, picking me back up when I'm throwing in the towel. Again. And again. I really don't get how it all works and I don't have to. I just know it's as true for me as it is for everyone who needs to know they're not alone. We aren't. We never have been. He is there. He is here.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Raise your hand if you're surprised

I guess the sample names sounded good enough for me.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Charlie the (almost) 6 year old

Charlie turns 6 on Thursday which happens to also be Thanksgiving this year. I'm hosting at my house for the second time in my whole life so I thought ahead this year and planned an early party with her little friends. I'm shocking myself lately with thinking through things like this. Thank you ADD diagnosis/meds!

Charlie said that what she wants more than anything for her birthday is a daddy. Combining that with lots of internal struggling has thrown me into a level of sadness that God can only help me get through. And He surely will :)

Last night a friend sat down with me and just let me cry. Then she told me the Truth about how bitterness and pain can eat away at us and it's happened and happening in my heart now. Y'all please pray that I can forgive and embrace grace like I never have before. It's hard to work through but necessary. Thanks y'all!